Star Wars: The Force Awakens

Director: J.J. Abrams
Starring: Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Adam Driver, Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Oscar Isaac, Lupita Nyong'o, Andy Serkis, Domhnall Gleeson, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Max von Sydow, Gwendoline Christie
Running Time: 135 min.
Rating: PG-13

★★★★ (out of ★★★★)

                                         **Spoiler Warning: The Following Review Contains Some Plot Spoilers**
 
If conventional wisdom is to be believed,  the colossal cultural success of 1977's Star Wars permanently altered the cinematic landscape by ushering in the blockbuster era we're still living in today. For better or worse, every studio tried to duplicate it in some form or another without truly grasping the elements that initially made it work. Unfortunately, its biggest, most shameless imitator may have been George Lucas, whose uncompromising death grip on his own franchise caused him to eventually destroy it. It's a career trajectory that eerily resembles Darth Vader's, as a rebellious young man frustrated by the corporate machine rises to power, only to eventually evolve into the very thing he despises most. It's a parallel not lost on the filmmaker, who's even commented on it himself in various interviews. Anyone looking to pinpoint the source of today's movie industry woes needn't look further than the infamous prequels. They made it okay for overhyped films with expensive effects to rake in truckloads of money, regardless of quality.

Watching J.J. Abrams resuscitation of the franchise, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, you can't help but wonder what George Lucas must have been thinking while sitting in that theater during the premiere. He finally did the right thing by relinquishing the reins to Disney and in doing so freed up another filmmaker to give movie fans the experience they always wanted, but he stubbornly refused to deliver. And ironically, it's a movie so slavishly devoted to the original trilogy that it kind of cements his legacy, as difficult and complicated as it may be.

It's far easier to root for Abrams, a skilled, if previously indistinct director who suddenly has to deliver the movie of his life in the clutch. And does he ever, by not only faithfully recreating the look and even recalling the plot of A New Hope, but triggering all the sensory feelings we had watching it. In fact, it's probably the closest we're ever going to get to seeing what a modern, shot-by-shot remake would look like without literally getting one. Some are calling it a retread. Others are saying it amounts to nothing more than fan service You can call it whatever you want but Abrams delivers exactly what's asked of him, doing right by a franchise that needed someone to step up and make smart choices.

In making the strongest, most satisfying installment since The Empire Strikes Back, Abrams follows through on his promise of more practical effects and a return to basic, character-driven storytelling. It's clear from the opening crawl that Abrams, a lifelong fan, is interested in blending the old and new, it's also the first time we can say a Star Wars movie some contains great performances. And not just great for a Star Wars movie. Providing pure, old school entertainment that greatly differs from the excessive emptiness of contemporary blockbusters, it wisely leaves us with more questions than answers, establishing a strong framework for the franchise to successfully move forward in the same awe-inspiring manner the original trilogy did.

Thirty years after the events of Return of the Jedi and destruction of the Death Star, Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill) has vanished and in his absence the First Order has risen from the remains of the fallen Empire. Led by the masked, Vader-worshipping Kylo Ren (Adam Driver), they seek to find and destroy Luke and topple the Republic. To do so, they'll have to obtain a map to Luke's whereabouts, located inside Resistance pilot Poe Dameron's (Oscar Isaac) droid, BB-8. But when Ren and his Stormtroopers destroy Poe's Jakku village and take him captive, the droid escapes, coming across scavenger Rey (Daisy Ridley) in the desert. Soon, she encounters Finn (John Boyega), a Stormtrooper on the run whose conscience won't allow him to kill for the First Order. With Ren on their tail and desperately wanting possession of that map, they'll need help from some familiar faces to evade capture and hopefully discover the location of Luke Skywalker.

As much that goes on in this story, at its crux is something very simple that directly relates to the original trilogy, while still feeling like a very natural continuation of it. By centering the plot around the search for Luke a entirely new set of dramatic possibilities are introduced in a matter of minutes, letting us speculate on the events that happened post-Return of the Jedi that could have led to this. Just reading on the screen that Luke Skywalker has vanished  instantaneously invokes a reaction that harkens back to past, while effectively creating a scenario that lays the groundwork on which these next three films can be built.

The script (co-penned by Abrams and The Empire Strikes Back screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan) ingeniously presents Luke as almost a mythological figure, spoken about in hushed, muted tones by the newer characters who aren't quite sure whether he or The Force even exists. Hamill's mysterious absence from all print and commercial advertising for the film becomes clear very early on, as does the sound reasoning behind it. By hiding him for nearly the entire running time, Luke's importance grows to the point that his eventual appearance is practically transcendent. And it's all because of the journey taken to get there through Rey, Finn and BB-8.

Without giving too much away, there's hardly a moment in any scene that doesn't contain some kind of technical or narrative homage to the '77 film or its sequels, whether it be the scene transitions, John Williams' classic musical cues, a setting or even just sometimes a random character in the background Abrams took the time and effort to subtly squeeze in. And he doesn't digitally shoehorn them in for no reason, making sure their presence, no matter how large or small, makes sense within the context they appear. If extensive fan service is the worst problem this film has, we should all consider ourselves lucky since Abrams spares no expense in addressing the very real creative problems that torpedoed this franchise. It's great to see actual  land again, as well as real dirt. And real people instead of computerized trickery. It's unlikely that anyone thought we'd be seeing bloodshed of any kind, but that's just what we get in the opening minutes, upping the stakes considerably.

As familiar as many things are, it doesn't feel like a carbon copy because it serves to only enhance and underline what is new and original. It can't be stressed enough just how much the previously unknown Daisy Ridley is asked to shoulder as Rey, supplying the entire story with its beating heart and soul in a performance that can only be described as revelatory. As the scavenger unwittingly thrown into the battle between the First Order and the Republic, she's as essential as Luke was to the original, even if that comparison unfairly implies the character is in any way derivative. Tough and strong-willed but instantly likable and vulnerable, Ridley makes Rey so easy to pull for it's almost impossible to comprehend the results had another actress been cast.

Rey shares most of her screen time with a droid, as BB-8's importance and involvement in the action rivals that of any human character over the course of any of the previous six films.  Looking like a robotic soccer ball with a head and a winning personality to spare, it might be Abrams' most inventive creation, and a character completely on par with C-3PO (Anthony Daniels) and R2-D2. And about half-way through it occurred to me that if Artoo didn't appear at all I'd be okay with it since he's essentially been replaced. Though, it's hardly a spoiler to say he eventually shows up. It tougher to talk about Oscar Isaac's smaller role as Resistance pilot Poe Dameron, but with minimal screen time, he slips right into the Star Wars universe, as natural a fit as any of the original players. 

The sarcastic humor and witty one-liners absent from the prequels are back, with much of it coming from John Boyega's Finn, whose backstory is only touched upon, but intriguing in the sense that we get to know the person behind a Stormtrooper mask. It's a luxury we've never been afforded, having long been depicted as nameless, faceless killing machines in previous installments. They still mostly are, but what happens when one of them can't kill or doesn't believe in what he's fighting for? It's a clever idea, with the bumbling Finn going from scene to scene constantly overwhelmed by every situation, until he can find his way, with Rey's help.

Boyega's strongest and funniest scenes are opposite Harrison Ford, who reappears as Han Solo as if no time has passed at all, slipping right back into the role that initially made the actor a household name. The character isn't dour or cranky, but the same smuggler and smooth liar we remember, with Abrams getting the absolute most out of Ford as Han that he can. You believe this is exactly where the character would be and it feels like a natural continuation of his story rather a nostalgic money grab. In other words, it's no Crystal Skull.

Abrams and company seem to have found the perfect balance between introducing new characters and using already existing ones to bolster their stories. This even extends to Chewbacca (Peter Mayhew), who has more to do here than ever, and the now General Leia Organa, whom Carrie Fisher plays with a more reserved, stately bent. Her scenes with Ford are an emotional highlight, even if it's hard to not wish there we got more of them. As for Hamill, he does appear, and while I'll withhold the details, it's pretty impressive how moving it is and the work that went into earning it. It's safe to say it actually may have worth waiting every one of those thirty years to get this moment.    

With only a few notable exceptions along the way, the acting was never a strong point in the original trilogy, while in the prequels it was often a flat-out embarrassment. Add Adam Driver to the list of exceptions as Kylo Ren, giving what's easily the most complete performance in the film. And as terrifying as he is under the mask, he's somehow even creepier after removing it. Having to follow Darth Vader isn't an easy task and at first glance it's easy to think this is merely a variation on that character,  but the more we learn about him, the deeper and more complex he gets. The script plays fast and loose with his identity, putting it all out there and letting Driver just go to town, having these moments that times make the character appear pitiful and sympathetic. And it works really well, leaving a lasting impact that should carry over into the next two films, and possibly beyond.

If forced to nitpick what's practically a flawless effort from Abrams, there are really only two issues. An Emperor-like, holographic GGI character called the Supreme Leader Snoke voiced by Andy Serkis in a performance that would be a far better fit in the Lord of the Rings trilogy than this. It's especially out of place and jarring after the renewed commitment to more practical effects carried out so well throughout the rest of the film.

Lupita Nyong'o's Maz Kanata is the more successful CGI, motion capture creation, even if I could do without them making characters like this a habit moving forward. It just brings back too many painful Jar Jar memories. On the plus side, at least Snoke's only a hologram and we're left with the feeling there could be more detailed explanation (excuse?) for his existence down the road. The more intriguing second-tier villain is Gwendoline Christie's Cobra Commander-like Captain Phasma, who we could easily stand to see more of. And given the choice, the first half of the film is slightly stronger than the second and a few of the longer action scenes could have probably been trimmed by a couple of minutes, but I'm admittedly grasping at straws here.       

At this point, anything written about The Force Awakens can't help but come off as a regurgitation since everyone who's seen it knows how good it is. It's a Star Wars movie to its core and skillfully sets the table for what's to follow. And as dark as this is, there's good reason to believe its sequel could be even darker given the director attached and what seems like Abrams' unwavering loyalty to the trajectory of the original trilogy. While I still believe releasing spin-off movies during off years is a terrible idea that overexposes the brand, there are few prospects more exciting than seeing a Rian Johnson-directed sequel to this film with Mark Hamill in an expanded role.

After envisioning for years what a follow-up to Return of the Jedi would look like, it's safe to say what ended up on screen met, if not surpassed, the highest expectations. And that's coming from only a moderate fan who went in with considerable skepticism after feeling burned by Lucas' prequels, which will likely now fade from memory, if they haven't already. It's true that this is about as close to a modern remake of the 1977 film that we're going to get. And that's not a bad thing. Lucas has called it "retro" and he's right. But we've already witnessed his definition of "new" so it's hard to blame Disney for passing on his offer for assistance, especially considering these results. When he owned Star Wars he could do with it as he chose, just as we were free to criticize those controversial decisions. But with The Force Awakens, J.J. Abrams brings to the forefront the revelation that Lucas hasn't really owned his own creation for a while now. Signing it over to the fans was just a formality.
                                          

Fanboys

Director: Kyle Newman
Starring: Jay Baruchel, Dan Fogler, Sam Huntington, Christopher Marquette, Kristen Bell
Running Time: 90 min.
Rating: PG-13

★★★ (out of ★★★★)

I had my doubts the day would ever come where I'd get to watch and review Fanboys. Within the past couple of years there have been maybe only two or three films I felt I just had to see based on their premise and trailers alone . This was one them. The idea of four Star Wars fanatics traveling cross country to Skywalker Ranch to steal a print of Episode I bursts with unlimited creative potential. But I must confess to some bias on that point. A while back I came up with an idea pretty similar to this and, like all my ideas, never did anything with it. That's of no consequence since I've built up quite a collection of 3 x 5 index cards filled with unused, half-developed brainstorms but this was the first I recognized onscreen in some form or another. So understandably my curiosity was piqued as to how writer/director Kyle Newman would handle the material.

I approached Fanboys in a mindset similar to how I did Southland Tales in that it was a film I had looked forward to for years, but when stories spread about behind-the-scenes creative clashes and a troubled post-production, I was forced into approaching it with what could best be called "cautious optimism." I wondered if this film could also overcome the odds, despite sitting on the shelf for three years during an ugly public feud between the studio and director. Unfortunately, the real losers in that feud turned out to be the fans.

After missing about 4 release dates due to re-shoots and re-edits the film was finally released with a whimper in February but it was too late for anyone to care and was subsequently met with a smattering of negative reviews (including an unusually mean spirited attack on Star Wars fans from Roger Ebert) It's impossible to know for sure how much of Newman's original vision is present in the final cut but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that it's not nearly enough because the end result is kind of a truncated mess.

The bitter battle over whether to include the now infamous cancer sub-plot has clearly caused the movie to slip away from Newman. This element has since been re-inserted, but sloppily, and other aspects of the film suffer slightly because of it. This should have been better. Much, much better. Those looking to blame Harvey "Darth" Weinstein have a strong case because it looks like he really did do some serious damage here and came very close to ruining the film. The good news though, is that enough survived to earn it a solid, if somewhat tentative, recommendation.

While I smiled and chuckled during many portions of Fanboys there were also times where I didn't and wondered what this movie would have played in its original, un-tampered with form. The true irony is that while it does harness the excitement we all felt awaiting the opening of Episode I, it also permeates with that feeling of disappointment when it finally did. I also underestimated how little I wanted to be reminded of the prequels and the letdown accompanying them.

If you think about it, it's tough to look back on what George Lucas did in the summer of 1999 and laugh. At least I find it tough, and I'm not even what you'd consider a "die-hard" fan. But it is fun to go back to that special moment in time BEFORE it opened when we were about to see "the greatest movie ever made." As much as Fanboys takes unnecessary detours and makes some wrong steps, it at least captures that moment effectively.

It's October, 1998. The release of The Phantom Menace is six months away and counting. Far from just being a movie, for Eric (Sam Huntington), Linus (Chris Marquette), Hutch (Dan Fogler) and Windows (Jay Baruchel), four friends and proud Star Wars fanatics from Ohio, it represents the defining event of their lifetime. But Eric has since moved on, or at least has done a good enough job convincing himself he's grown out of his obsession, miserably working at his sleazy, flamboyant father Big Chuck's (Christopher McDonald) used car dealership.

Things change when Eric learns that Linus is dying of terminal cancer and has only months to live. With his urging the foursome decide to make good on their crazy childhood dream of breaking into George Lucas' Skywalker Ranch and stealing the unreleased film....so they can destroy it. Sorry. Just some wishful thinking. It's actually so Linus can see it before he dies. They're eventually joined by every geek's dream fangirl Zoe (Kristen Bell), who not only loves Star Wars, but hangs out at the local comic book store, which is apparently where I should be frequenting more often.

A road trip commences and it's a little disappointing that it does feel derivative of every other road trip movie, with the added Star Wars element, but luckily that element is a very welcome one. Their misadventures along the way are littered with a lot of cameos. I mean A LOT. Maybe the most I've ever seen in a comedy. Some are funnier than others and at times it feels like the characters are just being dropped from one excursion to the next just so all these names can appear, but they do add to the overall viewing experience in mostly positive ways.

We have Danny Trejo as a pot smoking Indian chief who's the catalyst for a hallucinatory dream sequence that's probably best appreciated under the influence. Seth Rogen in dual roles, one of which is absolutely hilarious. And we're treated to an appearance from film critic Harry Knowles, who I thought must have lost a ton of weight until I realized he was being played by Ethan Suplee. It's shocking that the real Knowles didn't cameo since you'd figure the shameless self-promoter and ultimate fanboy would jump at the chance to appear as himself in something like this.

Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith pop up playing variations (I think) on their Jay & Silent Bob characters while Danny McBride has a very memorable and funny role as a Skywalker Ranch security head. The Star Wars vets prove to be good sports as Carrie Fisher shows up as a physician, Ray "Darth Maul" Park as a security guard and Billy Dee Williams as..."JUDGE REINHOLD." Yes, I know the joke seems like something a fifth grader would come up with and it was much funnier on Arrested Development when the role was ACTUALLY PLAYED by Judge Reinhold, but I'm embarrassed to admit that I still laughed.

The best cameo belongs to William Shatner who for some reason isn't given so much as a walk-on in J.J. Abrams' Star Trek reboot but can land a bit part in a movie celebrating Star Wars. The fanboys vs. "Trekkies" sub-plot works best and produces the most consistent hilarity in a film where consistency is frequently absent. It almost pains me to report the sub-plot that's handled poorest is the cancer storyline, which seems to appear and disappear at the plot's convenience. It's in the movie just the exact wrong amount, showing up as almost an afterthought until the final scenes when it does register. By then it seems almost too late.

As haphazardly as it was re-incorporated though, all the angry fans had a point that it does belong in there. Without it the story doesn't have much of point. Then again, if they were just going to forget about it anyway, why put it back in? The issue has less to do with whether it should be there than HOW because it doesn't always mix well with the gross-out, slapstick humor. Of course that can happen when you re-edit your movie 75,000 times and spend three years in post-production hell.

Sam Huntington (best known for playing Jimmy Olsen in Superman Returns) acclimates nicely as the leading man, even when it's not entirely clear he's the leading man amidst the film's constantly shifting focus. Marquette and Baruchel's characters seem to get more attention and screen time and both deliver solid performances. This is also a victory of sorts for the seemingly talentless, but Tony Award winning (no joke) actor Dan "Balls of Fury" Fogler, who turns in what just might be his least grating work to date. Don't get me wrong he's still annoying as hell but at least he's found a part where he's supposed to be stuck in a permanent state of adolescence.

My future wife Kristen Bell has a role that's miles away from her recent co-starring turn in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, even though shooting on this probably wrapped years before casting on that film began. I complained about Bell's role in that but one thing I couldn't say was that it was underdeveloped or underwritten. This feels like it could have been or that scenes of hers were left on the cutting room floor, but it's a trade-off I'll take because this comes closer to the types of roles I'd like to see her in. I wish more was done with her but when she does appear (primarily in the third act) there were glimpses of her Veronica Mars character in there. That made it especially frustrating for me that she wasn't given more. It's enough I guess, but I'm greedy.

An attempted romance with one of the main characters seemed forced and manufactured, not to mention that it's with the wrong character. The whole thing just rings false. Had this sub-plot been executed well it would have really showcased her skills and added an extra layer of poignancy to the story, if that's even what they were going for. That's part of the problem. I had no idea what they were going for. But yes it's true that Bell does wear the Slave Girl Leia costume. Patience you must have. It's worth the wait. And so sue me I think I might even like her better as a brunette.

With all the behind the scenes drama in making the film it's at least nice to discover the studio didn't cut any corners in procuring music for the soundtrack. You can't dislike any movie that features Rush and forgotten late '90's alt-rock classics. When an all-time favorite of mine blasted at just the right moment in the film's final scene I was grinning from ear to ear. The last line of dialogue perfectly encapsulates in one question what we were all feeling right before the curtain went up on Episode I.

For the record, I don't think The Phantom Menace "sucks." Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull... now that sucked. But if we were to weigh expectations against actual execution I do think The Phantom Menace should rank among the most disappointing films ever made. There's just no reason that or any of the prequels should have existed and if I could somehow stop the release of just one movie it would probably be Episode I. That's the primary appeal of this movie: Cleansing us of that feeling.

Wherever the blame lies, it's terrible to be letdown by something you just know will be spectacular. There's an undercurrent of that running throughout Fanboys. Lucas doesn't appear in the film and strangely that seems right. I, like many, have little desire to see him involved with any Star Wars project anymore. It somehow seems cooler without his presence, but to his credit he not only gave Newman his blessing, but the rights to use Star Wars trademarks in a feature film. You could argue its the only intelligent decision Lucas has made with the brand in the past two decades.

I also understand why no mention of the film's tumultuous journey to the screen was made on the DVD because if I were Newman I wouldn't want to talk bout it either. A fun commentary track, some deleted scenes and a couple of featurettes are fine and that's exactly what we get. The guy's been through a war and came out on the losing end, despite the outpouring of fan support. While they meant well, I wonder if their attempts to "save the film" did more harm than good, resulting in excessive tinkering that distorted the final product. It's awful that what obviously started as a filmmaker's labor of love turned into such a messy public disaster. If nothing else, Newman deserves some really stiff drinks and a long, well-deserved break.

It's funny how I was mostly either unsure or disappointed while watching the picture but when it ended I had mostly fond memories of the experience. I'll probably even see it again hoping against hope that maybe its problems will be ironed out and the pieces will fit together a little better. I'm convinced I wouldn't have been able to bash this if I tried. I can't think of a recent movie I wanted to love more. There must be an original theatrical cut of Fanboys locked away in Harvey Weinstein's office that didn't make it to theaters or DVD. That's the one I want to see. If anyone ever decides to steal it, they can count me in.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Director: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Harrison Ford, Shia LeBeouf, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Ray Winstone, John Hurt, Jim Broadbent
Running Time: 122 min
Rating: PG-13

**1/2 (out of ****)

There comes a point where anticipation turns to dread. For many this year that point was called Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I have to tread carefully here because while there’s no denying expectations always play a role in how you view a film, it shouldn’t determine it. Had this movie not been burdened with the “Indiana Jones” tag and reputation it could just be written off as a poorly made goofy throwback to B-movies of the ‘50’s. Judged strictly on those terms (which I think George Lucas and Steven Spielberg naively intended) it’s a near miss that doesn’t really work. However, as an actual Indiana Jones film it can’t be called anything other than a massive disappointment. It’s unreasonable to expect this to live up to the standard set by the first three films, but it isn’t unreasonable to expect a great film. Or even just a good one.

Calling Raiders of the Lost Ark one of the ten or twenty greatest motion pictures of all-time may not be an overstatement and for good reason it’s made many appearances on such lists. The Temple of Doom is still to this day a massively underrated sequel while The Last Crusade works as the perfect closing chapter to the series. Like many, I grew up with the character, but wouldn’t be so happy to see him on the screen again that any junk Spielberg and Lucas threw up there would have been satisfying. I can’t say that for any character or any movie series. We’re kidding ourselves if we think any big studio movie is made for any reason other than money. But that doesn’t mean it has to FEEL like it. All two hours of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull could have easily been replaced with footage of Spielberg and Lucas bathing themselves in piles of cash and it would have had the same effect.
It’s easy and probably a lot more fun to just point the finger at Lucas since he proudly takes credit for thinking it would be a great idea to center the fourth Indy film around a story about Area 51 and aliens. But Spielberg, being only the most powerful producer and director alive could have just said “NO.” Instead, he not only caved into Lucas’ insane idea, but directed the mess himself and made what’s easily his worst film in years. But more frightening is the possibility that maybe Spielberg really did think he was doing it right and this is how he views Indiana Jones. Or at least this is how he thinks we view him.

One thing that’s perfectly clear is that this Indy is not the same man from the other three films and not because he’s older. He’s a different person…a cartoon. Largely, because he’s surrounded by cartoonish elements. And while the movie works better as a stand-alone effort than as part of the series, for the uninitiated it doesn’t serve as an effective introduction to the character. The saving grace is that in the exciting last hour Spielberg seems to get his act together a little bit and something I didn’t expect to strike a chord ends up working better than expected. By then it’s too late though. The film has to settle for being just unintentionally hilarious and entertaining, nothing more than a mildly fun diversion. We waited 19 years for THIS?

The nostalgia rush of seeing Harrison Ford in the brown leather jacket and fedora again, brandishing the bullwhip, lasts approximately five to ten minutes. At least it did for me. It’s great to hear John Williams score at first but then it’s all downhill from there when you realize he uses it gratingly to punctuate every emotion in the film. I remember it beign used more sparingly and not being nearly as annoying. The best way to sum the movie up is as an extended mediocre episode of The X-Files, but way less smart and with cheesier looking visual effects. Explaining the details of the moronic script, penned by Spielberg’s go-to screenwriter David Koepp (The Lost World), could result in the death of brain cells.

Koepp can sometimes be a good writer, but most of the time he's not. His script wouldn't be completely awful for another kind of movie (likely a sci-fi comedy) but for this one it’s a disaster. The film opens with Ford being kidnapped by Russian baddie Irena Spalko (a dominatrix looking Cate Blanchett) who drags him to Area 51 to help locate a mysterious artifact. And so begins the hunt for the Crystal Skull which supposedly has psychic alien powers. Along the way Indy encounters young greaser Mutt Williams (Shia LeBeouf) who has some valuable information about the artifact’s whereabouts and ends up joining him on the quest. And unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year you know he’s also there for another very important reason.

The supporting cast, which also includes Ray Winstone as Indy’s new sidekick and Jim Broadbent as the University Dean, are fine and and LeBeouf’s Mutt is far from the Jar Jar Binks of the series, as was initially feared by many. At worst, LeBeouf’s character is merely goofy but he does what he can with it and shares good chemistry and timing with Ford. Spalko is nothing if not a wildly memorable villain, although I’m not sure she’s an appropriate villain for an Indiana Jones film. Or maybe she’s too appropriate a villain for this one. It takes a special kind of great actress to be able to play a villainess this severe and cartoonish to full tilt and Blanchett brings the goods. But the performance can’t be enjoyed as anything beyond pure camp. I know the other films in the series never claimed to be anything but mindless entertainment, but were they ever this mindless? I don’t know about you, but while I always thought the Indy movies were fun, I never viewed them as a joke. Spielberg and Lucas obviously disagree.

At age 65, Ford has no problems slipping back into the role but the character is made to look dumb by being surrounded with a story this ridiculous. It doesn’t even feel like a situation Indy would get himself involved in. But perhaps even worse than that are the computer generated special effects, which are the fakest looking I’ve seen in any movie in years. The sets look like something you’d see on a tour of the Universal Studios backlot and at certain points I could swear I was watching actors just standing in front of cardboard backgrounds. And don’t even get me started on the monkeys and groundhogs.

Lucas and Spielberg have always been in love with CGI but I think it’s about time someone tell them that the “improved” special effects have made their movies worse. They were supposedly aiming to give this the same look and feel as the previous Indy films but it looks nothing like them at all. Bigger doesn’t necessarily equal better. Lucas made the same mistake with the Star Wars prequels and that’s a big reason they failed. So much time and effort is put into making the visual effects look good that no consideration is given the story. Then, in a cruel irony, the effects look terrible also. I’m sure this will be nominated for a bunch of technical Oscars just because it’s a Spielberg film, but LEGOS probably would have looked better.

The film does one thing exceptionally well: The re-introduction of Marion Ravenwood. The second she shows up it feels like old times again and Karen Allen’s performance is terrific. I wish she were in the movie more because she hasn’t lost a step. If the film went out of its way to make Indy a shell of his former self in the first hour he starts roaring back with a vengeance in the second. The interplay between them is classic and her presence was the shot of adrenaline the story needed. That combined with an exciting tank chase and the welcome appearance of John Hurt as a crazed former colleague of Indy’s gives the film some bite as it heads toward the finish line. Unfortunately, the closer we get to it the more we’re reminded of just how dumb the story is and in a development that had me rolling on the floor laughing, the actual ending bears more than just a slight resemblance to that of National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets. But even funnier is that the National Treasure films actually do a better job capturing the spirit of the Indiana Jones franchise than this does.

How could Spielberg and Lucas possibly think this script was suitable? What planet are they on? It was more interesting watching the special features to get some insight on that, although I’m beginning to regret doing that after hearing that Roland Emmerich’s Independence Day was Spielberg’s inspiration for doing the film and George Lucas originally wanted to title it Indiana Jones and The Saucer Men. I thought he was joking so I laughed. Until I realized he was completely serious... then I REALLY laughed. That title may actually be more truthful advertising. In fact, this film’s silly title (which perfectly conveys the picture’s tone) should have been the first clue that something was amiss right from the beginning. Supposedly, Frank Darabont had written a script for a fourth film years ago that Lucas rejected. Considering Darabont hasn’t misstepped once in his career I’d say the odds of it being stronger than Koepp’s are pretty high.

While it may read like it, I didn’t hate the film. It’s mildly entertaining and fun if taken on its own terms. I just hate the fact that these two decided to make another Indy film and this is what they had the nerve to give us. It also feels too late. The fact that everyone couldn’t get their act together and arrive on the same page to do this for this long is pathetic and we should have taken the hint. Sean Connery was wise to sit it out. Lucas and Spielberg claim they did this for the fans but then when the fans don’t like it, with many offering reasonable, constructive criticisms, they start badmouthing them. “BUT LOOK HOW MUCH $$ IT MADE!” Well, The Phantom Menace made truckloads of money also. That doesn’t speak on its quality, although I’d argue it was better than this. Then, as usual, Lucas throws his hands up in the air and complains that the die-hards would have hated anything he came up with. What a cop-out.
The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull, along with The Dark Knight, were the two mega-hyped event movies of 2008. I took some heat for giving the latter “only” three and a half stars and saying it didn’t meet expectations. But no film could have met those incredible expectations and in trying it came closer than it had any right to. It’s funny how every movie I've seen since seems inferior in comparison, which makes me wonder if I may have been too hard on it. Despite its minor issues, that film was bursting with ambition and originality. This was just phoned in long-distance to make a quick buck.

Paramount recently got all bent out of shape when an episode of South Park depicted Lucas and Spielberg raping Indiana Jones. If they’re so happy with how the movie did financially and there’s no doubt it will continue to do gangbusters on DVD, what are they so upset about? Unless it hit a nerve. They know how lazy this is and were called out on it. Saying George Lucas raped Indiana Jones is one thing but implying he raped our childhoods is giving him too much credit. All he did was embarrass himself…yet again. And he suckered Spielberg into coming along for the ride. Just like the original Star Wars trilogy the Indiana Jones movies will always be there on the shelves for us to go back to. Unfortunately, this one will be joining them.