Pain and Gain

Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shaloub, Ed Harris, Rob Corddrey, Rebel Wilson, Ken Jeong, Bar Paly, Michael Rispoli
Running Time: 129 min.
Rating: R

★★★ (out of ★★★★)

The commercials, trailers and ads for Pain and Gain would lead you to believe it's a certain type of movie aimed at a very specific audience. So naturally, it's easy to be unsure as to whether you'll be on board when Michael Bay's name appears over the opening credits as director. But you know what? It's actually pretty good. While declaring it his most interesting film runs the risk of damning with faint praise, no one has ever disputed the guy has talent and knows what he's doing. The problem has always been harnessing it. This is the closest a project has come to doing that thus far and it's easy to see why. It's over-the-top, outrageously dumb and in-your-face, while still carrying some of what you'd expect from a Bay movie. Except this one has characters worth watching in a story that's just crazy enough to be true because it actually is. It's certainly no masterpiece and, at almost two and half hours, probably could have been trimmed, but it does earn its running time if just the sheer scope and audacity of it all. Consider this his testosterone-fueled epic, albeit on a smaller budgeted, more intimate scale than we're used to getting from him. Featuring two performers who couldn't have possibly been a better fit for their roles, it's both darkly comical and pathetically tragic in all the right ways, resulting in a surprisingly fun time.

Based on 1999 series of true crime articles published in the Miami New Times, the film tells the story of dim-witted musclehead Danny Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) who upon being hired by Sun Gym, nearly triples their membership almost overnight. But despite already rolling in the cash, he wants more. Inspired by motivational speaker Johnny Wu (Ken Jeong) to become a "doer" and take what he wants in life, Danny yearns to live the American dream and amass the vast wealth achieved by Victor Kershaw (Tony Shaloub), an arrogant, sleazy client he's been training. With the help of friend and workout partner Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and cocaine-addicted convict Paul Doyle (Dwayne Johnson), Danny sets in motion a  clumsy plan to kidnap and extort Kershaw for all he's worth. Needless to say, this doesn't exactly work out, or rather it does, just not at all in the way you'd expect. They've left a giant mess, and with a retired private eye (Ed Harris) hot on their trail, these bumbling criminals have somewhat unintentionally added torture and murder to their rap sheets.

Despite having little idea how much of the "real-life" story was retained in the screenplay and what was embellished to make a more exciting impression on screen, it's tough to criticize the direction Bay took with the material. It's too ridiculous and unbelievable to be played straight as a crime drama, yet contains enough darker elements that it wouldn't be fair to classify it entirely as an action-comedy either. More often than not it fits into the latter category, but what's most surprising is how well, and for how long, Bay straddles that line without slipping up. It's the kind of story that's the perfect fit for a big screen treatment because it contains characters who are blissfully unaware of just how delusional they are. To say that Danny has a warped perception of the "American Dream" would be an understatement, but Wahlberg makes his cluelessness likable to the point that even when he's doing the most heinous things, we're still kind of rooting for him and his pals to get away with it. Part of it could be that their target is such a jerk, but it does almost seem almost unfair that a character so stupid could even be held responsible for his own actions. At points it seems as if he doesn't even know what actions are, or at least that they carry consequences.

Unsurprisingly, the real standout is Johnson, who's given a break from headlining pure action franchises to prove again just how strong he can be when asked to turn in meaningful supporting work with a comic bent. Of course, it just so happens to be a performance that's arguably still in a pure action movie of a different sort, but it's easily his most interesting role since, yes, Southland Tales. As a born-again bible thumper seeking to avoid confrontation at any cost, Paul is the worst choice of partner imaginable to successfully help execute a kidnapping and extortion plot, providing the film with its funniest moments. The most hilarious of which comes when all three together can't successfully commit a necessary murder no matter how hard they try, resulting in the fallout that follows them for the rest of the picture. Of the three leads, Mackie has the least to do and his sub-plot involving his impotence from steroid use and a relationship with a sex-crazed nurse (Rebel Wilson) is probably (along with a third-act development better suited to a Saw film) the weakest story thread, but even that plays better than it has a right to. Shaloub is perfectly detestable as the villain while Ed Harris seems to be playing a spoof of serious Ed Harris roles as the retired investigator. He clearly knows what movie he's in and has fun with it.

While the story takes place in 1995 and strangely feels every bit like it really does, it's easy to envision it happening today. Not so much in terms of the events that go down, but the behaviors and attitudes of the three main characters, which could easily be summised by any reality show on TV right now. Watching this it's impossible no to wonder if Bay understands this or he just thought that what these guys did was really cool. Going against popular opinion, I'd wager on the former (okay, maybe a little of the latter) because it's all just too cleverly made to assume anything else. Technically, it's his best effort just in terms of the visuals and music working together to tell an actual story.

Besides the movie just flat-out looking great and featuring some really memorable shots, Steve Jablonsky's moody, electronic tinged score is one of the year's best, not garnering nearly enough attention for how well it fits the material and setting. And how can you knock any movie with a montage proudly set to Bon Jovi's "Blaze of Glory?" What Pain and Gain is, and ultimately what gives it away as a Michael Bay movie, is that it's a guy's movie through and through. Explosions, violence, women, money, working out, drugs. What sets it apart is that he actually seems to be aware of it this time and has some fun with an actual story he can turn and twist to fit his every whim. When we find out what happened to the characters' real-life counterparts at the end, there isn't much doubt what we watched, true or not, was the best possible representation of how exciting it could have been.   
      

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Isabel Lucas
Running Time: 147 min.
Rating: PG-13

★ 1/2 (out of ★★★★)

For the longest time I've shared in the widespread belief that different people have different reactions to particular films. There's no right or wrong, just different opinions and reasoning for backing it up. Sometimes critics hate a movie that audiences love and vice versa. It's just the way of the world. When we don't agree, we agree to disagree. It's entirely subjective. Or at least that's what I thought before I endured Michael Bay's brutal, painful assault on the senses and brain known as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, which is every bit as bad as you've heard and then some.

It's less a film than an ordeal and it's taken me nearly a week to recover from it. Having already grossed over $400 million dollars worldwide and counting doesn't it stand to reason that Bay must have done something right? No, he hasn't. I don't care how many people saw this movie and loved it, how "critic-proof" it supposedly is or how much repeat business it's drumming up. The audiences are WRONG.

WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.

The critics are RIGHT. Everyone was warned and didn't listen. There's hardly a single redeeming quality about this piece of cinematic trash and it was the first time I exited a theater in actual physical pain. I had a headache, my back hurt, my ass hurt and I felt nauseous. Going in, I felt fine. You may have read reviews of this movie that claim it "insults the intelligence" of moviegoers. How I wish that were true. I'm breaking one of the unwritten rules of film criticism to take a cheap shot at audiences. But you know what? They deserve it. And if you sat in the theater I did you'd agree with me. When the final credits rolled this film got a standing ovation.

A STANDING OVATION!

I can't remember any movie I've ever seen that's gotten a standing ovation. But I should have seen it coming. So much enthusiastic laughter and applause filled the theater you'd think you were at a George Carlin stand-up show. What movie were they watching? What planet did I land on? You'll have to forgive me because during the course of this review I'll occasionally be referring to Michael Bay as "MIKE Bay." It just seems more appropriate... and funnier. Can't you just picture this guy him introducing himself with sunglasses and a smirk saying "No, call me Mike." So I will.

As much as I want to completely place all the blame on him for this nearly 150 minute disaster I just can't. He's just doing what he was paid to do and happens to do very well: BLOW THINGS UP .And he makes it look as pretty as possible. He's giving everyone what they want, which just might be the scariest revelation to come out of the success of this movie, other than the fact that Steven Spielberg co-produced it.

For the most part, I have no problems with Mike as a filmmaker. I enjoyed The Rock. Didn't mind Armageddon. Don't carry the same seething hatred for the ridiculous Pearl Harbor that everyone else seems to and thought the first Transformers film was crazy fun. I'm also all for "checking your brain at the door" and losing yourself in an action spectacle. But this doesn't even work as that. You know it's a bad sign when blatant racism is the LEAST offensive aspect of your film. Rather than re-cap the plot in detail (which would be impossible anyway) it's better just to list the things that sent moviegoers bursting into uproarious laughter and applause.

- A robot humping Megan Fox's leg

- A robot with testicles

- the words "bitch" and "pussy" constantly being thrown around for shock value in a film based on a children's toy line.

-John Turturro in a thong

- A middle aged woman getting high off hash brownies and making a spectacle of herself on a college campus.

-Two racially caricatured robots, Skids and Mudflap, speaking in ebonics and bragging about how they can't read.

How hilarious. Between those scenes, the loud explosions, robots killing each other and mile-a-minute editing, an incomprehensible story is somehow squeezed in. In an opening that comes off as a nursery school version of 2001: A Space Odyssey, we're informed that the war between Autobots and Decepticons has been raging since prehistoric times. Now the Decepticons, led by their original master, The Fallen (voiced by Tony Todd), have returned to Earth to resurrect Megatron (voiced by Hugo Weaving) and kill Optimus Prime (voiced by Peter Cullen). Once that's accomplished they can destroy the sun...or something like that.

The only hope is college-bound Sam Witwicky (Shia LeBeouf) who discovers he possesses a shard of the Allspark that's causing his brain to see all sorts of crazy symbols and images. When he's not busy trying to save Earth from an invading alien race he's dealing with his annoying, overambitious roommate Leo (Ramon Rodriguez) and fighting off the advances of a sexy student (Isabel Lucas).

The less said about the relationship with his parents (Kevin Dunn and Judy White) the better. At least they seemed like real people in the first film. Here, the script has them re-play the same tired unhappily married joke over and over again with the added detail that mom's a pothead. Sadder still, is that while poorly executed and unfunny, the college-set scenes are probably the most tolerable in the film. It's all downhill from there. The rest of the movie is some sort of seizure inducing blur. There isn't even a second to come up for air and reflect upon how messy everything is or how little sense it makes.

This is Mike's middle finger to all the critics who dared find fault in his 2007 film, which not only boasted a far more coherent story than this, but a genuine sense of wonder and discovery. It was far from any kind of landmark achievement in storytelling but it got the job done in an effective manner. It would stand to reason that a sequel would at least be able to equal that considering the bar wasn't exactly set too high to begin with.

Everything that worked in the first film is trashed all while managing to magnify what was bad to excruciating levels. Wanted more screen time for the robots? Now there's too much. Less human relationships? Now there's none. Ironically, the one relationship we cared most about in the first film, between Sam and his Bumblebee Camaro, is all but completely excised and, with the exception of a brief scene early, Bumblebee is hardly in the film at all.

The "relationship" between Sam and his porn star girlfriend Mikaela (Fox) is far less effective than in the original, probably because of the pathetic attempt made at evolving Mikaela from a lust object into Sam's girlfriend. Fox just isn't believable as ANYONE'S girlfriend on screen and I don't necessarily mean that the way you think I do. Can you picture yourself going to the movies with Megan Fox? How about just hanging out? Or playing miniature golf? See my point? She's just there to look hot and have Bay ogle (or more accurately, nearly rape) her with the camera. That wouldn't be such a problem if the screenwriters knew her role and weren't dense enough to actually force a dynamic between her and Sam.

There's a sub-plot centering around who will say those three magic words first. Of course, since the only three magic words we'd ever believe Mikaela would hear from anyone are, "I LUST YOU," it's a little hard to buy. I described Fox's performance (as if it mattered) in the first film as "fine." To call her performance in this wooden would be an insult to wood. To her credit she seems to understand that, or at least understands the necessity of giving quotable soundbites that cater to her many fans.

This is a movie where even she wears out her welcome. It's like being given a gourmet meal at a restaurant while the waiter keeps screaming in your ear how great it is. As a result, my appreciation for her decreased about 50 percent.The next Angelina Jolie? She has a ways to go. And this is coming from someone who doesn't think that's even an admirable goal to shoot for. But she's right. These films aren't about acting. In related news, the Earth is round. By dwelling on Fox this much, does that make me as bad as Bay? Maybe, but you can't deny that the public's fascination with her is a million times more interesting than anything in this film.

Spielberg's adopted son gives a performance that isn't awful so much as it's irrelevant. He's a little more grating than in the first with his stammering, awkward everyman character, but that's in line with Bay's tendency to amp everything up this go around. He does fine with what he's given but it's getting to the point where we have to ask ourselves why Spielberg hand-picked this kid out of every single young actor working today to become the biggest star in the world. We have to find out soon, before Shia's star power eclipses his talent, if that hasn't happened already. In other words, he needs to pick more diverse projects with better directors. If not, don't be surprised if he comes forward with some very incriminating photos of Spielberg soon.

I'd be more willing to let Spielberg off the hook for producing this and assume he took a more "hands off" approach this time if he hadn't been involved in the making of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Eagle Eye. But he was and each new project he's credited to these days seems to be yet another stain on his previously impeachable filmography. Now we're going on almost a full decade where he's not only failed to contribute anything of substantial value to the film world, but is responsible for producing some real junk. This begs the question: How much longer is he going to get a free ride from critics and audiences based solely on accomplishments from over 15 years ago?

John Turturro's eccentric goverment agent returns except he isn't a government agent anymore. But he's more eccentric. He actually gives the most entertaining performance in the film and his interplay with Rodriguez's Leo is a highlight. But most of that is relegated to the third act, by which point I was starting to lose conciousness from all the mind numbing effects. By the time Sam's parents just showed up in the desert for no reason and without explanation I was completely lost. And this was scripted by Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman, who were most recently responsible for penning the very successful recent Star Trek reboot. In the film's only improvement from the original, Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson's military officers are fittingly given nothing to do at all since their roles were pointless to begin with. You know things are bad when I find myself actually missing Jon Voight. The forgettable Isabel Lucas takes over for Rachael Taylor as the second place hottie and accomplishes the impossible in giving a worse performance than Fox with far less screen time.

The controversy concerning Skids and Mudflap is overblown not because the robots aren't offensive stereotypes but because they hardly see any screen time and serve no purpose other than to get some cheap laughs. Their inclusion is pointless, which may be the the most offensive thing about it. Comparisons to Jar Jar Binks are unwarranted. He's more annoying than these two, but at least his primary purpose wasn't to piss people off. It was just a bad judgment call on Lucas' part. This feels like something uglier than that. And stupider.

A temptation exists to give this a lower score than one and a half stars but doing so would be unfair since this is a "technically" impressive motion picture that could have only been made by a talented filmmaker. And at 147 minutes at least it doesn't drag. How can it when it's too busy pummeling you into submission with sensory overload? This is Bay at his absolute worst, or best, depending on your perspective.

This review is more indicative of my disappointment with the film's success and what it means for the the movie industry than the actual work itself, which is obviously pretty awful. One thing's for sure though: There's a party at Stephen Sommers' house and Sienna's bringing the keg. I'd be shocked if Sommers' upcoming G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra isn't a better Hasbro adaptation than this. Just watch me eat my words later on that. In any event, I'm sure he's waiting with open arms and knows it bodes well for him that audiences would so willingly embrace a film this dumb.

I'm not missing the point here. I know what movies like this are supposed to accomplish. We all do. Or at least I thought we did. This doesn't accomplish it. It's as if elements from previous summer blockbusters were fused together and Bay's faking it. I go to movies to watch stories with characters, not things blow up for two and a half hours.

My biggest worry when I review movies is that I come off as some sort of psuedo-intellectual snob. I just want to have fun and consider myself a fan first and a critic second. This appeals to neither in me and when it ended I had little desire to either talk or write about. The critics really earned their keep this time (with one predictable exception). But maybe I should stand corrected that fans fully embraced the film They did have one major problem with it: That Megatron bowed in servitude. Oh the horror. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight knowing such an oversight could be made amidst the film's other gargantuan problems.

2008 was a bad year for movies. Could 2009 actually be WORSE? Is it possible? If Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is any indication it very well can be. When it ended I felt ripped off...and I saw it FOR FREE. If audiences keep turning out for junk like this you have to wonder where we should really place the blame. Hotshot action directors need to earn a buck also. Michael Bay will continue making movies like this only as long as we go to see them.

Transformers

Director: Michael Bay
Starring: Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Rachael Taylor, Anthony Anderson, Jon Voight, John Turturro
Running Time: 144 min.
Rating: PG-13

*** (out of ****)

I remember reading an interview with Michael Bay a while back where he said he didn't feel the need to apologize for making movies aimed at 14-year-old boys. Well, at least the guy's honest. Transformers is the quintessential Michael Bay movie, almost as if all the elements of The Rock, Pearl Harbor and Armageddon were combined and the volume was blasted even higher. If you hated him as a director before, you'll have about 500 more reasons to by the time this film is over. If you've enjoyed all, or even most of his films, you'll leave a very satisfied customer. Overindulgence runs rampant like never before as Bay is at his absolute best, or worst, depending on how you want to look at it. Except the difference this time is that he actually seems like he's in on the joke.

This is one of those huge summer movies you need to experience on the big screen. An experience I unfortunately didn't have. In a way I'm glad I didn't because while it would have been infinitely more fun, I'd be so dazzled by the film's amazing visual effects that I'd probably be more likely to overlook its flaws. The small screen doesn't lie and no movie should be completely dependent on its visual effects (no matter how impressive they may be) to get the job done. It needs a good story and characters you care about. Much to my surprise, this film has that. It's not without some problems, but it's a landmark in that it's the first Bay directed film that succeeds in creating a sense of wonder.

It seems almost comical that fans of the 1980's Hasbro toy line and cartoon series would be so upset that Bay, who by his own admission is not a fan of Transformers, would be directing it. There a lot of whining about how the robots should look (pretty cool it turns out) and how faithful he'd be to the story. When it was over, I couldn't imagine anyone who grew up on Transformers being disappointed by what we get here as it perfectly captures the spirit of Hasbro's franchise. If anything, those fans should thank Bay for taking material so inherently silly and making a good movie out of it.

The film begins with a voice-over from Optimus Prime, the leader of the herioic Autobots, telling us of the battle between his robots and the evil Decepticons, over a powerful cube known as the Allspark. The Decepticons' leader, Megatron discovered the Allspark years ago, but became frozen in ice attempting to retrieve it. The cube, along with the frozen Megatron, now reside in the Hoover Dam and are being protected by a secret government agency known as Sector 7. The coordinates of the Allspark's location are imprinted on the eyeglasses of Captain Archibald Witwicky, who with his crew of Arctic explorers in 1897 accidently stumbled upon the frozen body of Megatron. Now theses eyeglasses are in the possession of Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) who's trying to sell them on Ebay in hopes of earning enough money to buy a respectable first car. What he gets instead from his father is a crappy 1976 Chevy Camaro that won't get him very far in impressing school hottie Mikaela Banes (the appropriately named Megan Fox). Unbeknownst to Sam his new Camaro can transform into an Autobot named Bumblebee and he's been thrust into the middle of this epic battle. The Decepticons have landed on Earth, setting their sites on the cube, attacking a military base in Quitar and hacking into their computer system.

If the plot I've just described for you seems like the stupidest idea for a movie you've ever read, you're not far off the mark. The film starts problematically, taking a good half hour to 40 minutes to get going and is bogged down early with too much military mumbo jumbo. It's only when the story shifts to Sam's purchase of the Camaro Bumblebee and his relationship with Mikaela that business starts to pick up. There's a great scene early in the film where Sam gives her a ride home and all his clumsy attempts to put the moves on her are interrupted by Bumblebee, who he soon discovers, has a mind all its own.

When Sam does begin to realize the mystery and importance behind this car we witness something awe inspiring, a designation we're not used to assigning a Bay picture. When the Autobots do transform it's an incredible visual effect that will have you scratching your head wondering how it could even be accomplished. I've become so desensitized to CGI and huge special effects these days that it's rare anything show up onscreen that leaves me with my mouth wide open. This did. And it didn't look the slightest bit fake.

What's even more remarkable is that Bay and his crew managed to make all of these robots visually unique and easily identifiable, each complete with very distinctive personalities. We get know Bumblebee, Optimus Prime (voiced magnificently by Peter Cullen), Jazz, Ironhide and Ratchet as well, if not better, than any of the human characters in the film. Sam attempting to hide the Autobots from his parents is one of the funniest and most enjoyable scenes of any movie this year. Surprisingly, there are a lot of funny moments and inside jokes in the script and nearly all of them work.

Unfortunately, the movie loses steam whenever the military storyline takes over and the soldiers (played by Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson) fail to register at all. The less said about Jon Voight's performance as the Secretary of Defense the better. If the American Film Institute ever pays tribute to him (and I'm sure they will) I wouldn't start it off with clips of him in Transformers. But what I always liked about Voight is he's not afraid to take silly parts in fun mainstream movies where he can let loose giving great bad performances. He knows what kind of movie he's in and makes the most of it. But even the weak military storyline does have a couple of redeeming qualities with an enjoyable sub-plot involving signal detection expert Maggie Madsen (Rachael Taylor) aiding the Department of Defense. When she enlists the help of her hacker friend (played by Anthony Anderson), the results are hysterical, as he doesn't have the slightest clue what he's gotten himself into. Also helping to lighten the mood is John Turturro's bizarre, over-the-top take on Agent Simmons, the leader of Sector 7. Turturro's no stranger to playing funny weirdos, but this guy ranks up there. The character could be out of a Farrelly Brothers movie, yet it somehow provides a nice distraction and works.

The one important factor likely be overlooked and underappreciated in the film is Shia LaBeouf's performance, which is the glue that holds this entire story together. He's been compared to a young Tom Hanks and that comparison is actually very valid. He has a natural likeability onscreen that makes you want to root for him and is one of the few young actors around capable of acting goofy without crossing that thin line into annoyance. He has the most thankless job you could wish on any performer, having to act with and against these huge special effects, probably while Bay was screaming in his face the entire time.

The physical demands of this part are also unmatched and I was sore and tired just watching him. Whatever you think of LaBeouf as an actor you have to give the kid credit for really throwing himself into this role. When Megan Fox first appears the film makes a jump from being aimed at 14-year-old boys to being aimed at the entire male species. I could talk about her performance (which is fine by the way) but I have a feeling no one expects me to do that. You instead expect me to talk about how she's possibly the hottest actress to appear onscreen in the past decade and it was nearly impossible for me to focus on anything but her. I won't do that though. I'll restrain myself.

This may mark the first time an effective human relationship is at the center of a Bay film and the viewer actually wants to take a journey with the characters. Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman's script, while not likely to be contending for screenplay honors at this year's Academy Awards, does have some depth to it and gives Bay the best material he's had to work with thus far in his career. It couldn't be easy working effective human characters into a full-length feature based on robot toys from the '80's and that difficult mission was accomplished rather creatively in this script.

The film's 144 minute running time flies by, but it's a shame Bay doesn't know when to say "when" during the visually amazing showdown at the end. It just seems to go on forever. This is a movie that could have really benefited from a couple of trims in the editing room, specifically in regards to the narrative exposition involving the military. Bay supposedly wanted that added to the script to beef up the film, which makes little sense considering it serves no purpose.

This is a very good movie that approaches greatness many times, but you have to wonder if Bay is even interested in making a great movie. We have other directors for that. It's clear he just wants to direct movies that are fun and rake in loads of money. It's easy to see why executive producer Steven Spielberg tapped him to helm it because no one (with maybe the exception of Spielberg himself) does a better job with this kind of material than Bay, whatever you may think of the guy. And I'm sorry, an endorsement from Spielberg counts for something in my book. Transformers is bombastic and empty-headed, but just about as much fun as you can hope to have watching a movie. When it was over I couldn't wait to see it again.