Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Director: Tim Story
Starring: Ioan Gruffold, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chilkis, Julian McMahon, Doug Jones, Kerry Washington, Andre Braugher
Running Time: 92 min.
Rating: PG

* (out of ****)

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is a superhero movie for the entire famiy. If everyone in your entire family is under five years of age. I'm sure what alternate universe we're living in where critics and audiences consider this film an "improvement" over the original, which I actually somewhat enjoyed. That they do make me worry just how bad they thought the first film was. I thought 2005's Fantastic Four, while far from perfect, was at least fun and executed its origin story well. No doubt hearing the many complaints from audiences across the country the filmmakers decided to take everything that worked well in the original film and eliminate it, while magnifying the elements that didn't times a hundred.

Audiences complained Jessica Alba's Sue Storm wasn't developed enough so we get more of her. Wrong move. They complained about Julian McMahon's performance as Dr. Doom (which was fine) so we get far less of him. Another mistake. They take the superpowers that the four possess, which provided wonder in the first film, and make a joke out of them, torturing us for nearly an hour with stupid human tricks. There isn't a single character (human or computer generated) in this film to care about and the only reason it was made was to sell a lot of toys and video games. It's easily the worst film I've had the displeasure of viewing so far in 2007 and one of the worst comic book movies ever made. Would anyone like it? The only two groups I think would find any value in it are very young children (in diapers perhaps) and hardcore comic and superhero fans who are so happy to see The Fantastic Four onscreen that any film would suffice, regardless of quality. For me it was just a very long and painful 92 minutes I'll never get back.

This sequel picks up pretty much right where the original left off as with the impending nuptials of Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffold) and Sue Storm (Alba). That celebratory mood, however, is halted by the arrival of the Silver Surfer (Doug Jones), who brings about massive climactic changes in preparation for his planet-eating master Galactus, who's preparing Earth as his next big dish. With the Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and Ben Grimm (Michael Chilkis) at their sides they attempt to stop the surfer and save the planet, all while dealing with the resurrected Victor Von Doom (McMahon), who's convinced the military he's their only hope. To say the reintroduction of Doom into the series is clumsily written and poorly executed would be the understatement of the year.

That Doom has been resurrected after his obvious demise at the end of the first film is fine, especially in the context of the superhero universe, where death is never final. It was necessary he come back and I don't have a problem with it at all. What is a problem is how they decide to do it. They actually have him working with The Fantastic Four and after just a couple of eye rolls they don't really seem to have any major issues with it. To even ask the audience (or the characters for that matter) to buy for one second that this guy could believably co-exist on the same side as them is beyond stretching it. Doesn't the military have any idea what this guy has done? And no, that isn't a stupid question to ask in a movie like this. I'm sick of giving lousy screenwriters a pass because it's a "comic book movie" aimed at kids, like that absolves them from constructing a story with even just a shred of intelligence.

This mistake would be an even bigger deal if Dr. Doom had any screen time at all. Since McMahon's performance was "so awful" in the original the filmmakers decided it would be a good idea to have him appear in the film for a total of about 10 minutes with only two of them spent in the Dr. Doom costume. What's so funny about this is in those few minutes McMahon still manages to give a better performance than anyone else in this mess of a film. At least he knows what he's there to do, which is more than can be said for the other actors. Unfortunately for him he's stepped into a circus where the first 45 minutes of the film are spent watching the Fantastic Four show off their abilities and tell jokes.

We watch Mr. Fantastic stretch his arms on the dance floor (haha) and see the look on the face of a horrified airline passenger who's been seated next to Ben Grimm. Every scene seems to end with a punch line (let's call it a "zinger") where the actor turns to look at the camera as if waiting for approval that the joke they told was funny. All we needed was a blow horn and canned laughter and it would have been the Fantastic Four variety show. And of course, we're given the obligatory scene of Sue Storm realizing she's naked in front of a large crowd. Get it? She was invisible and now she's not! How embarrassing! Since the first film was essentially an origin story, there was an initial sense of surprise and wonder when the group first discovered their powers. Now that's long gone and there's nothing left for them to do but goof around and show off.

All the performances in the movie are terrible, but if I had to pick the worst it would easily be Alba's. There's no doubt she looks the part of Sue Storm and wears the costume incredibly well, but her acting is cringe-worthy, even judged in the context of a film this crappy. There have been rumors circulating for a while now that she can't act and she goes out of her way here to confirm them. When she's surprised she opens her eyes really wide, when she's angry she pouts, and when she's putting up her invisible force field she looks like she's suffering from the most painful constipation in Marvel history. In 2005 she was nominated for a Razzie for worst actress for Fantastic Four. She lost. Let's hope that injustice isn't repeated next year.

Gruffold, who was decent in the first film, sleepwalks through this one, and proves himself more worthy of the title Mr. Bland than Mr. Fantastic. Chris Evans reaches heights of annoyance previously thought unattainable with his take on the cocky, show boating Human Torch, while Chilkis is relegated to goofy sidekick duty. Supposedly, the Silver Surfer (which combines the vocal performance of Laurence Fishburne, the movements of Doug Jones and some CGI) is remarkably faithful to the comics. That's great, but I watch movies to lose myself in the story and characters not see a Playstation 2 game. The ending of the film is a disaster, literally and figuratively, as director Tim Story forces the audience to tap out from exhaustion with his computer generated nonsense.

In the summer of 2003 the adaptation of Marvel's, Hulk, came to the big screen accompanied with much hype and fan fare. It was widely panned by critics and audiences for being "too serious" and "artsy." While laced with problems and far from perfect, I realize now that Ang Lee took the right approach to that material. I'd rather have a director fail caring about the story and taking it too seriously than insulting the intelligence of the audience and making a big joke out of the material. Sadder still, The Fantastic Four are interesting characters (at least on the page) and so much could have been done with them outside of using their likeness to sell Happy Meals.

When the film ended I was actually overcome with a feeling of excitement. Excitement at a potential writers strike, which would mean films as bad as this couldn't be made anytime soon. Excitement also at the prospect of seeking out the 1994 Roger Corman produced Fantastic Four movie that never saw the light of day, so I can officially tell everyone it's better than this. But I'm most excited about the movie I'm seeing next, whatever it is, because I know it'll probably seem like a masterpiece after what I've just witnessed.

Earlier in the year I reviewed another Marvel film, Ghost Rider, calling it one of the worst of the year. It was, but even that was better than this. I didn't think it was possible, but this actually has me looking forward to Spider-Man 3 because I know it at least can't possibly reach the pathetic depths of those two films. If someone asked me what I thought the biggest problems with today's movies are I'd hand them over a copy of Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer and just wish them luck.

Premonition

Director: Mennan Yapo
Starring: Sandra Bullock, Julian McMahon, Nia Long, Amber Valletta, Peter Stormare, Irene Ziegler
Running Time: 95 min.
Rating: PG-13

** (out of ****)

If someone asked me to make a list of actors and actresses I'd most like to see make a huge comeback, Sandra Bullock would likely be at the top of it. She'd probably take exception to me saying that and claim that she never went anywhere, but c'mon Sandy let's be honest. You really haven't had a great starring role since Speed in 1994. It's tough to believe this is the same actress who sent my pulse racing and was so full of spunk, fire and potential in the 90's. What happened? I saw a glimmer of it again with a strong supporting turn two years ago in Crash, but after that she couldn't capitalize and I was left with false hope.

They say it's tough for actresses to find good parts when they hit 40 because of ageism in Hollywood. That's true, but there are a couple of exceptions. Julianne Moore and Meryl Streep come to mind immediately. I don't think any actress (except maybe Meg Ryan) has had as much trouble with this as Bullock, and it's not even really her fault. I think the problem with Bullock and Ryan was that their whole image was marketed around youthfulness, cuteness, and adorability. As they got older and the time came to find more mature parts they found themselves typecast. Now they're pushing too hard in the opposite direction and audiences aren't ready for it. I can't pretend to play agent but it doesn't take one to see that Bullock's role in the "psychological thriller" Premonition isn't a step in the right direction. Besides the film being incredibly silly and confusing direct-to-cable fare, she looks bored in it. Tired almost. The spark is gone. When I look at her now I don't see a movie star, which is a shame because I know there's one in there somewhere, waiting to come out. It's all about finding the right part. This is not it.

The DVD cover of Premonition promises "a gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish." Well, I do agree with half of that. While not gripping in the slightest, I did find myself trying to guess what was going on throughout, often with mixed results. In it Bullock plays Linda Hanson, a woman who seemingly has everything: a great husband, a beautiful house and two adorable little girls. Her world is soon turned upside down when a local sheriff shows up at her door to inform her that her husband Jim (The Fantastic Four's Julian McMahon) has just died in a horrific car accident. When she wakes up the next morning he's alive and drinking his coffee in the kitchen. She wakes up the next day and he's back to being dead again. The next morning he's alive. The next…well you get the picture.

Now I've never had a premonition or known anyone who has but something tells me it doesn't involve repeating a week over again in two different timelines. At least that's what I think was going on. I never thought I'd say this but for a better, less confusing representation of actual premonitions, rent the Final Destination films. So Linda now must fit together the pieces of the puzzle that lead to her husband's death and hopefully prevent it. Details, clues and even people show up in one timeline (where her husband is dead) and prove useful in another (when he's still alive). One of these characters happens to be one of the most incompetent psychiatrists you'll ever see in a film (played by a woefully miscast Peter Stormare). There's also a "mystery woman" (the beautiful, underused Amber Valetta) whose role in the story is so obvious I don't know why they even bothered to shroud it in secrecy. All of this plays a little like the Denzel Washington starring time travel thriller Déjà Vu from earlier in the year, minus the action or a plot that's somewhat comprehensible.

Exactly how confusing is this movie? Well, when the main character actually has to compose a chart to tell her what happens with whom and with what on which day that should tell you something. It wasn't until the final half hour of the film when I finally got a grasp on what was going on. Of course that doesn't mean any of it holds up. The saddest part of this is that when you break it down it really isn't that complicated at all. Director Mennan Yapo just chose, for reasons that may forever remain a mystery, to present it in such a way that it causes our brains to explode. How can we care about the protagonist when trying to figure out what's going on in the movie becomes our full-time job? Why couldn't he just tell the story? There's no big mystery at the center of this so it's not necessary to play games with the audience.

The screenplay also makes the terrible miscalculation of having Jim harbor secrets and plants the seed that he may not be as great a guy as Linda thought. So now we have a guy who's going to be killed who we don't even like that much. If we don't like him, then we can't feel sympathy for Linda and don't care whether she prevents his death or not. There are many laughable scenes in the film but my personal favorite is at the church when Linda demands they open the coffin to see if her husband is really dead. It's so over-the-top and ridiculously played all it does is evoke unintentional fits of laughter. There's also a silly, distracting moment in this scene that's better suited for B-movie horror comedy. I wouldn't dare spoil it for you.

Toward the end of the film, after confusing the hell out of us for an hour straight, the filmmakers actually have the nerve try to try to make important statements about life and family. I suppose the ending of the film does work story-wise, but I couldn't help but feel a little insulted at a resolution that essentially negates the movie from existing in the first place. There's an alternate ending of the film on the DVD that's so drastically different in tone from the one used it can stand as physical evidence that the director had no idea what kind of story he was trying to tell.

I don't want anyone to think that Sandra Bullock gives a bad performance in this movie because she doesn't. She's doing what's asked of her and it's a respectable performance. Unfortunately, what's asked of her is to sleepwalk through the entire film. It's not so much that she can't handle these parts it's that no one wants to see her in them. I had a similar reaction to watching Kate Hudson in The Skeleton Key. I have no doubt both of them can pull off darker material, but if that material isn't strong enough they'll sink a little further than another actress because that kind of part doesn't play on their strengths. Bullock, regardless of her age, should not be starring in junk like this, but in vehicles that that showcase her large personality. In a way this part is similar to her role in last year's time travel romance The Lake House, in which she also appeared comatose throughout. That film was flawed and depressing but at least the love story clicked, the whole thing mostly made sense, and there was some chemistry between the two leads. Plus, it at least managed to give us the right ending without making us feel as if we completely wasted our time.

Premonition's premise had some potential and its opening minutes suggested the director was serious about telling an involving, straight-forward story, but then something went terribly awry the rest of the way. After seeing this and the slightly superior (but still ridiculous) Déjà Vu I'm just waiting to view Lee Tamahori's Next and see if the trifecta of nearly incompetent time travel movies for 2007 can be completed. I really hope not. Something tells me though, of the three, Premonition will be the only one that requires an instruction manual on how to watch it.