Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Director: Tim Story
Starring: Ioan Gruffold, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chilkis, Julian McMahon, Doug Jones, Kerry Washington, Andre Braugher
Running Time: 92 min.
Rating: PG

* (out of ****)

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is a superhero movie for the entire famiy. If everyone in your entire family is under five years of age. I'm sure what alternate universe we're living in where critics and audiences consider this film an "improvement" over the original, which I actually somewhat enjoyed. That they do make me worry just how bad they thought the first film was. I thought 2005's Fantastic Four, while far from perfect, was at least fun and executed its origin story well. No doubt hearing the many complaints from audiences across the country the filmmakers decided to take everything that worked well in the original film and eliminate it, while magnifying the elements that didn't times a hundred.

Audiences complained Jessica Alba's Sue Storm wasn't developed enough so we get more of her. Wrong move. They complained about Julian McMahon's performance as Dr. Doom (which was fine) so we get far less of him. Another mistake. They take the superpowers that the four possess, which provided wonder in the first film, and make a joke out of them, torturing us for nearly an hour with stupid human tricks. There isn't a single character (human or computer generated) in this film to care about and the only reason it was made was to sell a lot of toys and video games. It's easily the worst film I've had the displeasure of viewing so far in 2007 and one of the worst comic book movies ever made. Would anyone like it? The only two groups I think would find any value in it are very young children (in diapers perhaps) and hardcore comic and superhero fans who are so happy to see The Fantastic Four onscreen that any film would suffice, regardless of quality. For me it was just a very long and painful 92 minutes I'll never get back.

This sequel picks up pretty much right where the original left off as with the impending nuptials of Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffold) and Sue Storm (Alba). That celebratory mood, however, is halted by the arrival of the Silver Surfer (Doug Jones), who brings about massive climactic changes in preparation for his planet-eating master Galactus, who's preparing Earth as his next big dish. With the Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and Ben Grimm (Michael Chilkis) at their sides they attempt to stop the surfer and save the planet, all while dealing with the resurrected Victor Von Doom (McMahon), who's convinced the military he's their only hope. To say the reintroduction of Doom into the series is clumsily written and poorly executed would be the understatement of the year.

That Doom has been resurrected after his obvious demise at the end of the first film is fine, especially in the context of the superhero universe, where death is never final. It was necessary he come back and I don't have a problem with it at all. What is a problem is how they decide to do it. They actually have him working with The Fantastic Four and after just a couple of eye rolls they don't really seem to have any major issues with it. To even ask the audience (or the characters for that matter) to buy for one second that this guy could believably co-exist on the same side as them is beyond stretching it. Doesn't the military have any idea what this guy has done? And no, that isn't a stupid question to ask in a movie like this. I'm sick of giving lousy screenwriters a pass because it's a "comic book movie" aimed at kids, like that absolves them from constructing a story with even just a shred of intelligence.

This mistake would be an even bigger deal if Dr. Doom had any screen time at all. Since McMahon's performance was "so awful" in the original the filmmakers decided it would be a good idea to have him appear in the film for a total of about 10 minutes with only two of them spent in the Dr. Doom costume. What's so funny about this is in those few minutes McMahon still manages to give a better performance than anyone else in this mess of a film. At least he knows what he's there to do, which is more than can be said for the other actors. Unfortunately for him he's stepped into a circus where the first 45 minutes of the film are spent watching the Fantastic Four show off their abilities and tell jokes.

We watch Mr. Fantastic stretch his arms on the dance floor (haha) and see the look on the face of a horrified airline passenger who's been seated next to Ben Grimm. Every scene seems to end with a punch line (let's call it a "zinger") where the actor turns to look at the camera as if waiting for approval that the joke they told was funny. All we needed was a blow horn and canned laughter and it would have been the Fantastic Four variety show. And of course, we're given the obligatory scene of Sue Storm realizing she's naked in front of a large crowd. Get it? She was invisible and now she's not! How embarrassing! Since the first film was essentially an origin story, there was an initial sense of surprise and wonder when the group first discovered their powers. Now that's long gone and there's nothing left for them to do but goof around and show off.

All the performances in the movie are terrible, but if I had to pick the worst it would easily be Alba's. There's no doubt she looks the part of Sue Storm and wears the costume incredibly well, but her acting is cringe-worthy, even judged in the context of a film this crappy. There have been rumors circulating for a while now that she can't act and she goes out of her way here to confirm them. When she's surprised she opens her eyes really wide, when she's angry she pouts, and when she's putting up her invisible force field she looks like she's suffering from the most painful constipation in Marvel history. In 2005 she was nominated for a Razzie for worst actress for Fantastic Four. She lost. Let's hope that injustice isn't repeated next year.

Gruffold, who was decent in the first film, sleepwalks through this one, and proves himself more worthy of the title Mr. Bland than Mr. Fantastic. Chris Evans reaches heights of annoyance previously thought unattainable with his take on the cocky, show boating Human Torch, while Chilkis is relegated to goofy sidekick duty. Supposedly, the Silver Surfer (which combines the vocal performance of Laurence Fishburne, the movements of Doug Jones and some CGI) is remarkably faithful to the comics. That's great, but I watch movies to lose myself in the story and characters not see a Playstation 2 game. The ending of the film is a disaster, literally and figuratively, as director Tim Story forces the audience to tap out from exhaustion with his computer generated nonsense.

In the summer of 2003 the adaptation of Marvel's, Hulk, came to the big screen accompanied with much hype and fan fare. It was widely panned by critics and audiences for being "too serious" and "artsy." While laced with problems and far from perfect, I realize now that Ang Lee took the right approach to that material. I'd rather have a director fail caring about the story and taking it too seriously than insulting the intelligence of the audience and making a big joke out of the material. Sadder still, The Fantastic Four are interesting characters (at least on the page) and so much could have been done with them outside of using their likeness to sell Happy Meals.

When the film ended I was actually overcome with a feeling of excitement. Excitement at a potential writers strike, which would mean films as bad as this couldn't be made anytime soon. Excitement also at the prospect of seeking out the 1994 Roger Corman produced Fantastic Four movie that never saw the light of day, so I can officially tell everyone it's better than this. But I'm most excited about the movie I'm seeing next, whatever it is, because I know it'll probably seem like a masterpiece after what I've just witnessed.

Earlier in the year I reviewed another Marvel film, Ghost Rider, calling it one of the worst of the year. It was, but even that was better than this. I didn't think it was possible, but this actually has me looking forward to Spider-Man 3 because I know it at least can't possibly reach the pathetic depths of those two films. If someone asked me what I thought the biggest problems with today's movies are I'd hand them over a copy of Fantastic Four: Rise of The Silver Surfer and just wish them luck.